Tuesday, July 20, 2010

221 Article Revision

I don't like the dash in the lede. .... confroted with a small but persistent mystery everytime he used the phone.

It was befuddling until finally... Is redundant in the third paragraph, becasue he just finished saying the Royster couldn't understand why. Just begin the next sentence with Finally, or Royster finally came up with...

Continuing on that put the second sentence in the third paragraph and the fourth paragraph quote together, better flow.

Is the second paragraph under diagnosis necessary?

I liked the quote about conversing with his mother. Would have liked to see more, perhaps a quote from her? Or even more quotes from friends and co-workers who have been around Royster on a day-to-day basis?

And how about a quote from his wife??? She knows him the best!?

Could have expanded more with researcher Sidtis? She had some great material and could have given some insight to why this could have gone so long without be diagnosised?

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